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there's seriously something very wrong with me but i can't help it.

yes i can be motivated to work but the motivation comes largely from the amount of pay i get.

seems kinda unhealthy but why wont anyone want to make their time worth while?

i think this sort of motivation will stop only when i truly find the passion in doing what i love to do.

no matter how i psych myself to promote something that i dont have v v v strong interest in to begin with by saying, [oh.. corrine this will be a good learning experience BUT you get paid low... its ok. you can work around that fact... ] there'll be this unease inside me. because 2 criterias are not met: interest and pay.

sigh i feel kinda sucky right now. sometimes i just dont know what's wrong with me. i keep weighing the pros and cons in whatever i do.

its true i will go all out for pple/work i think deserve my attention but i will just retreat into the wilderness when pple/work that dont deserve my attention comes by.

the problem is: is my evaluation of the "deserving-ness of my attention" appropriate?

i dont think so. although i am not a big shot in my social environment as a whole or what but self-evaluation always hits me the hardest. when i go into self-evaulation, its me facing myself. and i am the biggest shot of my own world and that's when the ugly truth is revealed. not v bearable but i'm trying to handle it.

God i need a light to guide me out of this.

<3
corrine